Zeroed-out and starting over

[Michael Downey]

Even though it took many months to deal with all of the work that happens when divorce comes, life started feeling different instantly. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but for me, it felt like I had lost a limb. I've read some stories of people who really have experienced the tragedy of losing part of their body. Many of them tell of "phantom" sensations of that part of them no longer present, still being there. For a long time, that's how I felt. Almost like she was still there and would be back at some point. I was lucky. I realized this was denial. But as time marched on, those feelings began to change into very different ones, ones of despair and depression. How would I go on? For me, life was being reset against my wishes! I was zeroed-out and starting over. It took a lot of time. I experienced the lowest of lows I had ever seen up to that point. The sadness began to be replaced with numbness. My work suffered, my relationships with my friends and family suffered, and my daily tasks suffered. Through it all, I tried to remind myself that it was all part of a long process. Things got more complicated only a few months later when my father was told he had terminal cancer. Hearing those words set off a spark inside me. They made me realize how much more there was to my life than being controlled by my sadness. Through what felt at the time to be some super-human powers, I gained the energy to pull myself out of my grief enough to support my ailing father and be there for him. Maybe it wasn't the greatest thing to put an early end to my grieving over the divorce, but I really felt like I had no choice. And given the new, much more positive view of the world that I have now, I haven't looked back. Have you experienced any life events like this? Ever felt like you got knocked down from where you were and had to start over?

[Dr. Ken Reed]

I have not experienced being divorced. But my wife of 50 years died rather unexpectedly. A short time later I retired. The numbness and denial you mentioned lasted for a few months. For a long time when on trips, I found myself starting to call her and see how she was doing. She was sick for several years before dying. After her death and my retirement I didn't see any reason for looking ahead with any hope for a meaningful life. Two years later I remembered that it takes about three years to make the transition from one lifestyle to another stable one. Maybe I wasn't so different after all. I was afraid to try dating. I wasn't very good at it as a teen and didn't feel that it would' be any different this time. With encouragement by a friend I found the courage to invite a divorced woman to a movie...at a church. I felt awkard but began to see some possibilities for a new life. The most difficult part of grieving was forgiving her for dying and leaving me as well as some old resentment I had toward her. For me, the very hardest was forgiving myself for not always being a sensitive caring husband.